I've known S for over 2 years now. S is a girl who dresses up, looks, walks, talks and does everything like a guy--more guyish than a guy, if possible (no way of recognising "him" to be a girl outside school). "He" is quite good looking, under guy standards; even friends of mine have admitted. He's better looking than your average boy: very nice, friendly and helpful too. We attend the same school, an all girls school.
Okay the problem is I (me, the as straight, as straight can possibly be girl) have fallen deeply and hopelessly in love with him for all 2 years, and guess what? I'm not the only one. I practically would have to line up to get my chance to be with him. And frankly, it sucks. I can't tell my friends about it, they'd think I'm a freak. So I bottle it all up. My mind is occupied 24/7 by images and feelings for him and there isn't a day that goes by without me thinking of him. The chances of him probably liking me back in that way is something around 0.35%. If I confessed, I'd just.. die!
We're good friends, due to the times I've helped him with his love interests. Beats me, why I do it, just so he's happy I suppose. Like for example, just a few days ago, I put him in this role in a school play, opposite this girl he really likes, but never had the chance to be with because of her friends who are strongly againts her seeing him. And just a couple of hours ago, I saw them walking and laughing around school. Oh damn, that one hit me right in the heart. I was actually afraid that my friends, who were around me at the time, heard a crack. I'm pathetic, I know!
I don't really consider myself to be a lesbian because it's not as if it was a girl I was after. So lately, things have gotten worst, people around me are starting to catch on slowly. I'm down all the time and I can't concentrate on studies anymore. Please, HELP!
Fiasco in Paradise