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Dr. Noah Talle has been extensively published and lauded, mostly in University. He offers his unique brand of irreproachable advice in a regular column exclusive to Dearanyone.com.

October 06, 2005

Vol 1(2) - The Beauty and Beastliness of the Internets

Dear Dr. Know-it-all,

First, let me tell you I am a fan. I have bought your Successful Relationship book. My wife and I are both much happier, thank you. I wish I were writing under better circumstances.

My name is Dr. Mumbai Okon, Executive Senior Advisor to the Minister of State for Nigeria. For too long, as you likely know, tribal warfare and government corruption have prevented Nigerian citizenry from sharing in the windfall from oil production. The death of General Abacha has worsened things in some sense, but some things have improved. But the democratic movement is only a part of the necessary overall reform, and not so important compared to the deal I am proposing. I am presiding over a large sum of money to be distributed to select individuals around the globe as part of a restructuring plan to bring democracy and freedom to the people of Nigeria.

Our accountants need to implement a forensic audit of a host of offshore exporting accounts which were grossly inflated by the former corrupt regime. Normally, governments like yours hold $30-50 billion USD in untaxed reserves to lubricate trade. We are currently in possession of only an estimated $210 000 000 USD holdings. This is just a guess, however, because the office of the company auditing us, Merrill Lynch Inc. of the United States, indicated to us that they cannot properly audit us until we liquidate the $210 000 000 U.S. dollars. After rounds of consultations, we decided the best way to make certain no skullduggery passes, is to disseminate the accounts in traces around the globe, and have them re-deposited after.

The essentials: 1.20% to the you for maintaining a minimum balance of .005% of the total (estimated) holdings, 0. 7% for currency commission, 3.76% to settle tax and local expenses to transfer, and the remaining, approximately ninety-five percent goes back into our accounts immediately following the audit. Safe and sound.

We hope to commence the transfers seven (7) banking days from the date of receipt of the following information by tel./fax at 1+ 234.9.774.0449: Your Company's signed, stamped letterhead, including business (or personal) bank account information. You can also reach my office directly by phoning the number indicated. I invite you to use it anytime.

Please call the numbers provided in supplementary materials to authenticate myself, this Office, and learn about other forward-thinking projects by the Government of Nigeria.

Yours in great faith,

Dr. Mumbai Okon
Q.C., B.C.C., L.L.B.

Executive Senior Advisor to the Head of State
Ministry of Truth and Justice, and Banking
Abuja, Nigeria

Please quote this reference number in your response for quick process: (VE/S/09/99)


Dear Dr. Okon,

Do you think I am some kind of fool? These are fine circumstances under which to write. I'm happy my editor convinced me to learn the Internets. (Strange that someone could have gotten a Doctorate from an accredited University in 1993, and not have to learn to use a computer?!) He also said contacting people on different continents would give me a grasp of what's really happening out there (as old Pointy Face likes to say), but I'll bet he wasn't thinking of this.

I can sense, and indeed see similarities between you and I, Dr. You serve in government; a lot of my clients are burnt-out government employees. The Public Service in Canada is under tremendous stress. In fact, it's been my practice's main source revenue fountain for years; so while I'd like to see them collectively get better, I'm careful not to write the Happy Pill prescription too early on. I'm getting off topic. It's my pleasure to inform you of my intention to authenticate you through the numbers provided, and hopefully participate.

[Later that day...] I encourage anyone looking to do some REAL good for Africa to phone Dr. Okon and authenticate his office, and participate. It was easy. I even spoke to the Dr.'s cousin!

If you're reading, Dr. Okon, I'm also pleased to hear you and your wife enjoy a raucous discussion. Instinct is vital to fluid communication. So, having one night a week to just verbally have AT each other, with the understanding that none of the insulting, degrading postulations is to be spoken of after. Remember: yell it! Don't scream.

Dr. N.