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Canadian author Lynn Coady has an opinion. This is her edgy but hilarious online advice column exclusive to DearAnyone.com.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Vol 1(6) - Pulling Your Punches

Coady of Conduct:

My husband is very critical. He is trying to change, but in the time that we've been married, he has criticized me "out" of fashion.

While dating (and before we were married), I was somewhat freakish in the way I dressed. Age naturally began to tone things down, but he criticized me out of thrift shopping and almost anything that is not "safely" alternative.

To this day, my tendency is toward creative (and unusual) dress. Whenever I buy something that isn't a solid color, or isn't that safe "slightly alternative" Banana Republic look, he doesn't like the way I look.

Passe in Pennsylvania

My first thought is that your husband needs a good punch in the nuts. Barring actual violence, maybe you could just do that thing teenage guys do to each other all the time, where they make as if they are about to punch one another in the nuts and then stop short just before fist meets button-fly. Teenager boys do this not merely for the fun of scaring the hell out of each other, but because the consequences of the action sets them off on an enjoyable little power trip. If you are a guy, it doesn't matter how many times your friend has pretended to punch you in the nuts--you'll instinctively cave in every single time he does it. Adolescents inflict this kind of thing on one another because it allows them to indulge the nasty little need we all have to bend others to our will, to wantonly wield power over our fellow human beings.

Some boys grow out of this, and some grow into controlling assholes who indulge the same adolescent impulse by making their wives feel like shit.

Now you might think I'm kidding about the fake-punch-in-the-nuts thing, but I assure you what's required here is some consistent negative reinforcement. First, you sit your man down and tell him how you feel when he criticizes your natural fashion instincts. Tell him the clothes you wear are an extension of your personality and every time he comes down on them, he's coming down on you. Furthermore, you know that on some level, he is aware he's doing this and that's what makes it particularly hurtful. Once you've explained all this to your husband, no matter how defensive or apologetic he might be, you have to make one final thing clear. "From here on out, every time you criticize me, I am going to pretend to punch you in the nuts to remind you how it makes me feel."

Don't broach any argument here. If he condemns this as a childish course of action, tell him you will only be responding in kind to the childishness of his behavior. He will snort and assume you're kidding perhaps, but oh just wait until the day you show up wearing some paisley airplane-collared Value Village gem circa 1978.