DearAnyone - Group Therapy - Coady of Conduct

Coady of Conduct - Advice Column by Lynn Coady

Canadian author Lynn Coady has an opinion. This is her edgy but hilarious online advice column exclusive to DearAnyone.com.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Coady of Conduct:

I was married in 1999 to a beautiful Mexican girl 17 years my junior. Two and a half years into our marriage, we had a beautiful baby girl who is now 3. Seven weeks after our child was born, my wife filed an order of protection against me (it was thrown out of court). My wife never let on that there was a problem in our marriage. On a Tuesday she told me she and our newborn loved me, and the next day she filed the order. All of a sudden she said that I drank too much, so I immediately quit and have been sober for the three years since she left. We have been divorced since 2003 and I still love her so much it hurts. She would never go to counseling or even try to fix our marriage. I can't seem to move on. I pray constantly for her to have a change of heart. How do I win her back? Should I try? By the way, she did not marry me for citizenship. That I am POSITIVE of. Our child deserves at least a chance at a family.

Heart Ripped Out

Okay, so she didn't marry you for citizenship. That leaves only one explanation: she's a sadistic succubus, perhaps not even human--I'm talking actual spawn of the devil. Maybe she's like the evil "Bob" above, who lured poor, stupid "Confused" into his debauched web of lust with an innocent game of Spin the Bottle--in her church, of all places! How was she to know she'd end up having to kiss someone on the lips, just because, aside from the spinning of the bottle, kissing someone on the lips is the only possible outcome of the game? Heavens to betsy, there sure are some vile, manipulative souls out there, and they certainly do put the boots to innocent well-meaning doofuses like you and "Confused," wandering happily out into traffic with your blindfolds on and your fingers in your ears singing LA LA LA LA to drown out the blaring horns of the oncoming traffic.

You have, if you can't already tell, my sympathy. But it's time to open your eyes, tuck your heart back in, and give up on the ex. She really, really wants you to.